The essence of who you want to be.

No matter how hard I try, I think human relationships are probably the toughest of all interactions. A cat might ignore you but you won't ever fight over the bathroom and a dog might annoy you but you will still cuddle up with them at bedtime. I'm not sure what makes a relationship with say an animal easier than a human being, besides a one-way conversation with no-one to back talk. Is it really pride that keeps "cat ladies" amongst the felines they adore so much?

I say this from my own experience. Some days I really wish I had a cat or dog to just enjoy the company. I get lonely sometimes, and sometimes all I want is a purr or a nice doggie kiss. They don't judge me or frustrate me nearly as much as a human.

People assume that by "relationship" someone is referring to a romantic one. I'm talking about all relationships. For me, romance is the least of my worries. I struggle day in and day out just to maintain friendships, and acqaintences a like.

I definitely do not profess to be some great friend. I've always been good at meeting people and enjoying their company and hoping they feel the same. But maintaining a friendship gets sloppy and frustrating. To be honest, sometimes it's easier to blow someone off than to be nice. I'm not saying that's what we should be doing, I'm just saying the thought crosses my mind at least 100 times a day.

1st day, job #2

Today went well, and the idea of responsibilities is surprisingly not frightening. At the moment I feel relieved to have a push in the right direction. I find myself fullfilling unsaid goals, meeting unwritten requirements. It's less alarming now, and I feel like just maybe the glimmer of hope I feel, will turn into a full fledge light of change and my life will be a little more on track.

I'm not saying I'm some horrible person or that my life is going in the "wrong direction". I just feel like in my own heart, that I'm going down a path of something I don't need. Laziness, unfullfillment, those are things I control. ME, not someone else.. not the media or the internet or anything. Those are things I allow in my life. If they make me lazy it's because I'm choosing to be that way.

I feel terrible when at the end of the day my thought is "well another day that I didn't do anything I love to do nor get anything done." That, I hope I don't have to tell myself again. One day at a time. One glimmer of hope at a time. A chance to change.

Sharing some youtube.

http://www.makeupgeek.com/

This woman is amazing! Her makeup tutorials are amazing, she does a great job too. Halloween is coming up so a lot of the looks are perfect, but she has some everyday make up too!




This is the look I am thinking for Halloween.. BUT there are so many.. I just can't pick!


-Whitnee

Habakkuk 3:2

Habakkuk 3:2

LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.

Exhaustion.

According to http://en.wiktionary.org/, exhaustion can be define as "The point of complete depletion; used up; Supreme tiredness; having exhausted energy".

That is how I feel. It's not because I'm "so busy" that I don't get a second to think, it's more that I have too much time. It's not because of piling work or troublesome relationships (thankfully). But because I lack something to do.

It's because I can't seem to slow down. My mind is always wandering, and my heart beat is constantly running on fast. I've been told often that I don't know how to calm down. Right now I'm feeling it.

It's when you try to relax and the moment is perfect, but you're uncomfortable and your heart races.

My Sunday: Chinese fortune cookie

My Sunday: Chinese fortune cookie

"Today It's up to you to create the peacefulness you long for."

Sometimes I wonder if He's trying to speak to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even listening. It's blunt and it's obvious. It's easier to wallow in yourself, wallow in your doubt and drown in your pain.

My sister once shared with me that "happiness is a choice". But what happens when everyday you choose to be happy but the pain and frustration you feel still doesn't go away? I personally feel like a failure. It's much easier for me to comfort others than myself. I am the definition of "take your own advice".

Don't let your limitations overshadow your talents.

I find it quite amusing when I am reminded to keep my eyes "on the prize" by fortunes and advice. I guess it's the simple things that trigger ideas and remind you to sit down and relax, life is good, it just has it's ups and downs. Just like a swing (my favourite life analogy).

Canon 20D

I was given a Canon 20D yesterday. That's pretty splendid.

First week is always the hardest to conquer, especially after a break of somesort.

It's almost the end of week one, and I have no regrets so far. My teachers seem decent and so do the courses. It'll be exciting to actually dive into projects, especially in photoshop and photo 10. Maybe I'll even blend the two. :) French will prove to be the challenge of the semester, while Math comes in a close second, only because it covers such a wide spectrum, being that it is a refresher course. A friend of mine asked me how I thought I'd do this semester and I said I'd like to get good grades, and that is my plan. It's true.

Theme of a lifetime.

Thanks to Ashlee, I have a theme for my life..

"You can get anywhere if you simply go one step at a time."

A forward.

I received this in an email from my Aunt,
I found it very true and I thought I would share. Enjoy.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.


Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow…….but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

(Something my friend posted! Very funny..)

Never under estimate the power of a bad attitude.

Sticks and stones may break bones but words will never hurt me.

Has anyone ever felt like that saying is a complete sham? On the record, wouldn't you say words hurt more, by far? How many people remember someone pinching them 20 years after the fact? But... when they called them a "loser"..

These days people are so worried about their "carbon foot print". I'd like to take that a step forward and ask about our day to day attitude and the foot print that that leaves in the face of the world.

When it comes to words, body language and actions, I consider myself quite sensitive. Actually I consider myself hyper sensitive. So it comes as a surprise to most people that the very things that bother me the most, I will turn around and do. It's the idea of karma, what goes around comes around. To a degree I feel threatened by a persons behavior or idea or attitude. I have taken things too far before. It disappoints me to know that my attitude is often disappointing.

John 8:12-30 (The Message)

You're Missing God in All This

12Jesus once again addressed them: "I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

13The Pharisees objected, "All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on."

14-18Jesus replied, "You're right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. That fulfills the conditions set down in God's Law: that you can count on the testimony of two witnesses. And that is what you have: You have my word and you have the word of the Father who sent me."

19They said, "Where is this so-called Father of yours?"

Jesus said, "You're looking right at me and you don't see me. How do you expect to see the Father? If you knew me, you would at the same time know the Father."

20He gave this speech in the Treasury while teaching in the Temple. No one arrested him because his time wasn't yet up.

21Then he went over the same ground again. "I'm leaving and you are going to look for me, but you're missing God in this and are headed for a dead end. There is no way you can come with me."

22The Jews said, "So, is he going to kill himself? Is that what he means by 'You can't come with me'?"

23-24Jesus said, "You're tied down to the mundane; I'm in touch with what is beyond your horizons. You live in terms of what you see and touch. I'm living on other terms. I told you that you were missing God in all this. You're at a dead end. If you won't believe I am who I say I am, you're at the dead end of sins. You're missing God in your lives."

25-26They said to him, "Just who are you anyway?"

Jesus said, "What I've said from the start. I have so many things to say that concern you, judgments to make that affect you, but if you don't accept the trustworthiness of the One who commanded my words and acts, none of it matters. That is who you are questioning—not me but the One who sent me."

27-29They still didn't get it, didn't realize that he was referring to the Father. So Jesus tried again. "When you raise up the Son of Man, then you will know who I am—that I'm not making this up, but speaking only what the Father taught me. The One who sent me stays with me. He doesn't abandon me. He sees how much joy I take in pleasing him."

30When he put it in these terms, many people decided to believe.

The Message (MSG)

Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

My chocolate fortune.

Remind me again why I'm here.

I think I've gone to this point may times. But the college years are very confusing. At the point where you think that just maybe you've figured your life out, or atleast a direction, something changes that.

When I decided to go to school, for cosmetology, I was eager. But that was 8 months prior to actually being accepted. I think now, looking back, I should have just moved on. But curiosity got ahold of me. There were things that were far more interesting, one being studying aboard. The hardest part about turning down that opportunity was that I had dropped out of cosmetology school a couple weeks prior to the trip. It was frustrating. I think that was the moment I regretted ever going.

I think now I'm a bit more calm about the situation. Although I have $1,900 worth of loans to pay back for an education I didn't like, or enjoy. But that is the price you pay for going out on a limb.

Two years ago I attended an orientation or open house for a school in Ventura, CA. I was first approached by this school in what would have been my senior year in highschool (I had graduated the August before my senior year.)

I've often thought about why I didn't go. Was it the money? Was it the distance? Was it Nathan? But in the end it was a good decision for one reason: it was the wrong path. The program I was looking into was Visual Jounalism. The one type of photography that I'm shy about. It's the "there is an event grab your camera" kind of photography. Something you're born to do. I don't think that's my forte to be honest.

Brook's Institute of Photography has two campuses in California. Santa Barbara, and Ventura. Santa Barbara is primarily photography, while Ventura is a mixed media type of campus offering video, journalism, and design.

I was sitting next to my bookshelf, tossing papers, magazines, just random objects that possed no value. I came to my Brook's "booklet". It was basically a file folder with various course introductions. I looked through it with every intention of throwing it away. But as I glanced through the "Professional Photography" booklet, my heart skipped a beat.

I just sat there wondering why it seems so impossible.

Loneliest Day of the Week.

I've found that as I've gotten older, Sunday has become increasingly lonely. I still haven't figured out entirely why, but I can say I dread Sunday every week.

As a junior higher Sunday was my social day. It was the day that I spent with the youth group, at church, at lunch. The rest of the day was a relaxing day before the week started over again.

In highschool the pattern repeated, Sunday was the day I saw all of my friends. But when I moved Junior year, Sunday no longer possessed it's potential anymore. Going to other churches was really out of the question for me. I was 16, and pissed off.

When I moved back to Fresno, at 18, I continued going to church but Sunday's were not as they use to be. I often came home alone, and spent the afternoon alone while most of my friends went home to their families. Father and Mother's day were the worst. I always had to work the Monday after, so those days were full of me wishing I could skip forward a day or fly to where my parents were. The emotional annoyance of being 18 and not celebrating Mother and Father's day was something I never really expected.

When I started to pull out of church activities, Sunday's became very depressing. I felt judged, looked at, ignored, and forgotten all at once. Sunday became the day that made me sick, physically.

I've tried to take back Sunday's but even when I wake up I feel sad. The entire day I yearn for human contact, but often times it doesn't help. It's the day of shopping by yourself, no phone calls, no "facebook" comments or "myspace" messages. The day of canceled plans, goodbyes, fights, and the day before the week starts all over again. But sometimes, all I'm waiting for is the week to begin.


I feel loneliest on Sundays.

Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin' empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

Lord, have you forgotten me?
I been prayin to you faithfully
I should be thankful Lord you know I am
But Lord I hope you understand

I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder, Lord, send down the rain
But when you're plannin just how it will be
Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

You've been the king since the dawn of time
All that I'm askin is a little less crime
It might be hard for the devil to do
But it would be easy for you

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

-Lee Ann Womack.

15 days.

Nathan leaves for London, England today, at 9am, 5/31 (PST). He arrives there at 7AM, 6/1 (England). He'll be gone for 15 days. Just keep him in your thoughts!

Hockey, Hospitals, and mon besoin.

I guess you go through life hoping you won't have to interact with the hospital. At least that's how I feel. The few times I have been to the hospital have been brief. I can remember almost every time as well. I don't like hospital, and I don't like doctors.

Monday started out like every day, except it was a holiday. (Which is always a great feeling). By 12:30, Nathan and I were meeting a friend, John, at Target. I was going to be driving his 1972 bug, to get a feel for driving a [small] stick shift car. After test driving and lunch we decided to meet eachother at the inline hockey rink at 3. I went with Nathan and John went on his way. We were hoping to meet up with 2 or 3 other people at the rink as well.

To our surprise their was a group of probably 15 already on the rink. We would always say these were "the pros", the full gear players. Nathan decided to play with them, while waiting for John and the others. He played with them and eventually our friends showed up and we had a good size game going.

At 4:30 Nathan and another player collided. They hit each other right in the head, and due to the fact neither was wearing a helmet there was a bit of a concern. Nathan right away got off the rink, and as we sat there I looked over his face. The impact happened right above his left eye. It was evident that we needed to go to the hospital as a thumb sized dent started to form above his eyebrow. A bump maybe would not raise alarm, but this dent did. We were at the hospital by 5 and in the trauma room by 5:30.

After being examined by many a surprised doctor, and a CT scan he was demeaned okay. He fractured the bone, and it collapsed into his frontal sinuses. From what I understand, it sounded like it was the best thing that could have happened. The dent was because the sinuses were there. Almost like they caught the injury and protected his brain (as the skull was created to do).

Nathan remained calm the entire time. I could tell he was in pain, I could tell it hurt. I felt weak, I wanted to take his pain away, but I couldn't. I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know what would happen. I was scared. But I remained calm, because he did. Here he is, injured and telling me it's going to be okay.

Sometimes it takes fear and pain to realize who you love, why you love them and why they love you. I was born to love him. I couldn't be more thankful for that boy.

They tell me he needs me. But I think, in that moment of fear, I realized how much I needed him too.

A good weekend.

I've had a good weekend. Has a nice ring to it. You know? Heh. It's just uplifting to have one. I've had the flu (actually, I don't know what it was), I've had life happening. But, I was able to enjoy myself.

It's these times in your life you need a boost. I can recall many times where it seemed like life was kicking my butt, I didn't think I would survive. But right at that moment something good happens. Whether it'd be someone saying "hey some people are coming over.. wanna hang out?", family just being like "Barnes and Noble sounds fun! Lets hop in the car!" or flowers after a bad day. I smiled at the thought of those memories. Those moments I will remember forever.

What makes you happy?

I mean really happy? Do you sit and wonder that ever?

I do. I have. I am..

After a mere 2 months in cosmetology school, I can say this does not make me happy. I think I justified fascination with happiness or interest. But it was eagerness that took over. Last Wednesday I tried to quit, I tried. But I was encouraged. This Wednesday, yesterday, I'm.. I don't know.

I woke up today in terrible pain and I don't know what it's from. Stress? probably. But I was so sick that I missed work. I lasted an hour at school. Before I left however I met with a financial aid adviser. I've been encouraged again. To quit.
(No no, she didn't tell me to quit.. I just can, financially...?)

Do I quit a lot? Yes. But I also know what makes me happy. If I do this, I don't think I'll ever be happy. Am I disappointed? Yes, but I tried, I tried and I didn't succeed. I will move on now, to bigger (and better) things.

France, Cosmetology and The Beatles..

Prologue:

I think when I signed up I was hoping that drama was for 14 year olds and I wouldn't have any. After about 4 weeks without drama, I still had it in my head that "hey, we're a pretty mature group of people.. atleast with eachother (15 at the time)". But shortly after that we had new students, 2 phones stolen, 1 wallet.. So now it's basically new vs old, with some of us just moving on.

I think personally I couldn't trust anyone from day 1, but it was hard not too cause everyone was so nice and so willing to be friendly. Our count was at 20 when we got 5 new students last week. That's about the time the room imploded. Our once very respectable, quiet, group turned into loud, obnoxious high school types. Our teacher would often turned to the new students and go, "I swear they are not normally like this.."

Wednesday: When I woke up Wednesday, my hear sank. I looked at the clock, late as the pass 3 weeks have made me, I took a breath, and went back to bed. I would not go today. By 9 o' clock I woke and as the tears rolled down my face I sat there wondering what I was doing with my life and why I stopped trying. I corresponded with a friend, at school, via text message, she tried to cheer me up but all I could say was "this isn't for me". I had given up, whole heartily. I felt so dragged down by being just "not good enough" and feeling like the black sheep, with a side of ugly duckling. I had no attachment, no hope and there was no turning back.

I spent the afternoon with a friend, a recent beauty school graduate. She listened as I laid my sob story down, and explained feeling so ill prepared, and untalented. She gave me the best advice she could, and we just tried to enjoy the day.

While out, my phone rang (ironically I was in the AT&T store). I was surprised to hear someone from school on the other end. It was a teacher. I was quite confused. This teacher was more of a acquaintance, when I went to a beauty school forum (hairshow type thing) she was our "guardian". She's a nice person. (Side note: A week earlier I had requested to be in her class, I never followed through.. wtg, Whitnee). She had explained that my friend (the same friend I had text messaged with) had told her that I wasn't doing too well, and she was worried about me. After talking to her for about 10 minutes, she told me she'd talk to my dean and set up a meeting. By the end of the day I had a 1PM appointment, Thursday with my Dean.

Thursday: Thursdays are my working days, so my appointment turned into a long lunch. The appointment didn't get me very far. I was encouraged to go back to class, and stick it out. I could switch to nights after I tested out. But beyond that, it was better for me not to switch. The reason being that nights had their own schedule and so did days. I'd end up reviewing everything I had already learned.

Friday: I got an interesting message from a classmate. It asked if I was switching to nights. It wasn't a classmate I often "shared" with. (Unless I wanted to share with her and the school). Anyway.. I was interested in this. So I decoded further. I texted message someone I did trust. I asked her plainly, "Were they talking about me on Wednesday?" and she replied "Yes". It was at that moment that my insecurities about my skills met with my insecurities about me, personally. I didn't know what to think. But I was hurt. What could they say about me? I'm considerate to everyone, I have to be, that's who I am. If I'm mean, it's on accident, and I will always apologize..

6:40pm and later: My friend later called me to explain what had happened Wednesday. I couldn't believe what I heard. You should have a pretty good reason to call someone a "bitch" in front of people. This person's reason was ridiculous. They believed, because I wasn't hanging with them or as they said "was being different", that I would complain about them or that I had complained about them to the dean. (Hence being the reason I would act different). You'd think if you have 4 complaints about you, you'd keep your mouth shut. Well, remember, this is highschool revisited.

Let me tell you, I'm trying to avoid drama, why would I complain about someone? Even if I felt uncomfortable, I'm going to keep to myself. I have never talked to the dean about anyone. When I was there Thursday, I told her I wanted to switch because I believe solely that I was behind everyone else, my skills were not up to par..

Conclusion:

I was told no last week. Tomorrow I start night school. What changed their minds, I don't know. But the moral to the story is pray before you give up. That's something Nathan reminded me to do this week.


-------

I got a letter from France today. My friend is there, and it was quite nice to get it. I have a reason to take some memorable photos of our little area... He's gone for 2 years, pretty heavy commitment, but I think he's enjoying himself. I hope atleast. He seems happy in his e-mails and his letter had me laughing.



Well That was more than enough for me, this post, wow.


Xox,
Whitnee





-----




A friend posted this on myspace, I really liked it..




--------
"You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right "
-The Beatles "Revolution"

In case you hadn't notice, I'm falling behind.

This is written a month later, which doesn't surprise me. I tend to write a lot than fall behind. I've been very busy and haven't had time to write my thoughts down. I'm barely thinking right now as it is.

:)

Beauty school can be defined pretty much as a "challenge", and/or "highschool as seen in the movie Carrie". Anything along those lines. It's hard to really be yourself, because everything is under a microscope. Every word you say can be bottle up and taken out later. We've been warned. Will we learn? Probably not. It'll take someone getting their feelings hurt. Which, infact, has already happened.

I haven't let that stop me, some days I feel like the ugly duckling, and some days I feel higher than a kite. I can't take it personal but it's so hard when things are said. By the way, whoever coined the phrase "..but words will never hurt me", was full of it, that or scared to admit it hurt.

One day at a time, mates!

Love, whitnee

A break from the interwob.

image ©xkcd.com

First Day: Accomplished.

First day of cosmetology school, check.

Pismo in March.

Template remix.

I had to re-edit the html on the previous template, I used an existing template by detonatedlove♥ and used the graphics (and design) by HEARTS{out}. I really like both of their work, they are very talent girls. Please let me know how my layout now looks. I am hoping for a cleaner, (and functioning layout), with the same basic principle.

anyway, I would build something from scratch but today has been interesting: work, than taxes than layout editing. Story of my life, I'll leave the layouts to the younger generation :P (I cannot believe I can say that AND be serious).



<33

Shopping Extraordinaire

First, I added a new template today! Thanks to HEARTS{out} at blogskins.com! Took me awhile to fiddle it to my liking, but I think its good now! But I was exhausted at 9:00pm, and it's 1:45AM now, so I'm not sure if I'm just so tired I can't tell or if it passed. Ha! oh well :P

So Nathan, and a few friends of ours went to Pismo Beach today! Crazy, going to the beach in March! (Actually whats crazier is that Spring Break is next week for most kids in my area). It was VERY nice there, and I think we all had a good time! We also ventured out to San Luis Obispo, which was fun too! Did shopping, which, how could that be bad? They have a three story Urban Outfitters! I must also add that every employee in SLO was SO nice! I wish some of the employees at our Sephora and Urban Outfitters were that well hired. *uh hm* Anyway, that was enjoyable! I took many pictures, for fun, and just enjoyed myself today.

As of March 24th, I will be a fulltime Cosmetology student. Mon-Wed, 8 to 6:30. It'll be grueling but worth it in the long run, I hope. *gulp* I am enjoying my last normal weekend before it starts. Next weekend is Easter, which will be interesting with orientation on Friday Morning and having to be back Sunday evening. ah well! It'll work out! :)

That's my little update to cyber space!

I leave you with these:


I absolutely love this dress, tried it on, and will hopefully buy it some time soon!

$58 at Urban Outfitters.



I definitely bought this today. It's worth it.

$36 at Sephora.

Cat Claws

I thought I'd share this link, for the cat lovers out there.

http://www.catclaws.com/


So I saw this and really liked it, being that I have cats, I thought this was neat. The above pictured is the M.A.X. Relax A Cat Scratcher. For $45 your cat can have fun, or be lazy! M.A.X. has a lot of other fun shapes too!


I was surfing around Etsy.com and found this adorable clutch/wristlet:



The Katrina wristlet is made by PopulationOne. It's absolutely adorable and even has card slots on the inside! This very cute, very chic, item is $32, and comes in more than one color and design.


:) cheers

Musical Interlude.

LINKIN PARk

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Sunday: Hobbies, the day before noon, and the flu.

Sunday

I had another epiphany. Well it wasn't entirely an an epiphany I would say (cause I've known it all along) but I've come to yet another conclusion! I really needed a hobby. I had already set my eyes on sewing (again) and today I bought the remaining supplies to begin making this. I also ended up with this. So all in all I have my new hobby started, at least a little bit. Couple trips for zippers, and other miscellaneous things, and I'll be able to finish the second project as well! I will be using the fabric I mentioned a couple posts back for both projects, actually. Here is a direct link to both of the pattern books I mentioned earlier as well (the source of many ideas for my new hobby.) Lotta Jansdotter's Simple Sewing and Amy Butler's In Stitches.

The clutch (my first project) is on page 131 of "In Stitches". I'm hoping this will help with the down time I tend to have on Sunday's and other random days. Just something to focus my energy on. :)


The Day before noon. It's been a couple days since I've been up before noon. This whole week being sick has worn me out, and I barely did anything. But everyday I wasn't up early, I felt lazy and unproductive. (Which is what I was being). So I've made it a little goal to get better at not sleeping away my day and experiencing the day before noon.

As for my flu. It's pretty much gone. I'm left with a cough, which, is way better than most everything I had this week. I'm alive, that's what counts.

Saturday night, Nathan and I helped out at a Sickle Cell Anemia Benefit downtown. We helped my boss, and his partner (for the event), they're photographers. We brought along with us a printer. It prints instantly from the camera to the printer. Which impressed guests who were use to waiting in the mail for their photograph. As an added bonus: the photographs are better than normal printed photos. After 2 hours, however, even I became a little weary of putting photographs in sleeves. All in all it was fun and I was glad to do it.


The weather has been especially nice lately. I was able to enjoy it this weekend, even if it was just walking to my car, I walked just a little slower to enjoy the breeze, and sunshine.

Sunday.

Well I spent the majority of today with fever. I haven't had one of those for along time. It caused a pretty serious headache all day too. So I spent my Sunday watching movies with Nathan and trying to cope with it. I don't mind a low-key Sunday, actually I prefer it. Less to do is better.

The photoshoot went very well on Saturday! It was a lot of fun! We drove around town looking for interesting places. My favourite time was as the sun went down, and the sky was orange. It made for some interesting exposures. My model, Corina(my best friend), was really patient with me as I figured out the camera (that I borrowed), looked for creative inspiration and as I asked her to sit in trees. Heh, it was worth it.

I had a crash course in manual mode. I've never actually used a digital SLR. Yeah I've played around with them but never learned the manual menus. I do however have a lot of experience with film cameras, so once I figured out how to translate what I knew about film, to digital, it made the whole day a lot easier. Next photoshoot I do, I hope to use more F stops, rather than just shutterspeeds (I made it less complicated by being on manual mode, with a set f-stop and flipping through the shutterspeeds). Ah, it was so refreshing to be photographing again!

Day 37: 1AM, again!

Is it really one in the morning? Another night in a row? Wow. No wonder I'm tired.


Latest inspirations:

Photography; I haven't been doing this at all lately. This past weekend, however, I took the opportunity to take as many photos as I could, being that a mutual friend is heading to France tomorrow (for 2 years).

I have a Lomography (www.Lomography.com) "Fish Eye" camera that I have been dying to use, and develop film from. (I probably paid way too much for this film/novelty camera but oh well.) So I finished off a roll and a half, and I cannot wait to develop it. Here's a description of this nove cam:

"The world’s only 35mm camera with a built-in fisheye lens! It sees a sweeping 170-degree view – compacting everything around you into a compact circular image. Get right up to your subject’s nose for slamming distortion effects. Huge depth of field renders both the foreground and background in complete focus. Its premium glass lens offers bright colors and knockout contrast. Rocks a built-in electronic flash for use day or night. Uses normal 35mm film that can be processed anywhere." -www.Lomography.com

You can easily get one at Urban Oufitters, or at Lomography's website. But beware camera aficionados, the website offers many a cool tool.


Speaking of cool tools. I have discovered the Canon 5D. A little late, I know, but I am still rather impressed by this FULL FRAME camera. At $1500 (on Ebay, $2,000 elsewhere) you can own this well rated machine.

I think I am going to stick to the little gun of my price range. The Rebel Xti. It's about all I need for my purposes, and a huge step from the point-and-shoots that I am accustomed too. Luckily I'll be taking one out this Saturday for a photoshoot.

Side note: A new Rebel is in town. The Rebel XSi is 12.2 megapixel (a small jump from the Xti's 10 megapixels), digital SLR. If anyone would like to donate one to me, I prefer the black.... Otherwise I will stick to saving. For more on Canon's newest Rebel click here.



Other Inspirations:

Fabric; While at a fabric store the other day, I fell across a 99 cent roll of pink polka dot material. I than bought 10 yards of it and called it a day. It's a light weight fabric, but very fun. I haven't decided what to do with it yet, but it's still here, being inspiring.

Pattern books; Since picking up a book in San Francisco, two trips ago, I have picked up one more. These books have neat photographs with directions on simple to difficult sewing projects. Good thing I have that 10 yards. For more hobby books please visit the publisher of my two books, here.

Graphic Design//Photoshop//CMYK; I'm trying to fill my life with inspirational design and work that I admire. It's not hard to find awesome works of digital art, but remembering and learning from is a whole 'nother story. As I enter the world of fashion, hair and graphic design I'm starting to cut, save, notice design around me. It's paying off creatively.


Well that does it, folks. Been to Barnes & Noble lately?

Day 36: No caption.

I'm tired.

Day 25, 2008: A day to reflect.

Today was my twentieth birthday. I had more well wishes than I could ever know what to do with. It was very uplifting.

The mountains. Wow. See in the valley, as most people know, we don't often see the Sierra Nevada's but today, they were beautiful. It was like a smile and blessing from God. As I'm driving see something that I've never see from Fresno. Beautiful.

I couldn't have asked for a better day, weather wise. It was sunny with clouds. Chilly but not freezing. And the rain? What rain! I had a whole day without it.

I spent most of my day at work, which was fine. I really do like working there (despite missing a few days here or there). I enjoy what I work on, and figuring it out. When I get frustrated, I close it. I go back to it later. Etcetera.

I just felt really good about the day. I appreciated all the people who took the time out to show they cared, on a day that is important to me.

After I came home, changed and waited for Nathan, we headed to dinner. We spent the night with our friends, who I love dearly. Each one of them brings a different personality to the table. It was kind of neat to intermingle, my friends and his. It was a good time.


In the end I thank God for every moment of the day, even the moments where I felt a little uncertain or a little overwhelmed. I just had to keep taking deep breaths and remembering why I'm here, why I live and how to live. To laugh, smile and have a good time. Life isn't perfect. But today was my day.

Day 24, 2008.

13. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
its hard to find something worth getting out of bed for.


Everyday this week has been a struggle to get up and out of bed. In fact I didn't go into work twice this week, merely because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. As I sit and contemplate why that is, I can't think of anything. I merely cannot find "something worth getting out of bed for." I think I've gotten considerably lazy in the past few months. I've always been a night owl, but lately it's been worse than just staying up late. It's the urge to just not move, and pretend I'm tired, which I'm not, and go back to sleep when I'm not even a bit tired. Or I am tired but its not a physical tired.

I'm mentally anguished, inwardly tired and outwardly frustrated.

I've emotionally gotten worse since Christmas. I suppose the last Christmas as a teenager made me feel more like an adult than anything else.

Maybe for the past twenty years I put too much pressure and focus on presents. Well I wouldn't say presents sucked this year so I don't think thats it. It's the identity of Christmas in my life that I miss. I miss setting up the tree, being excited about Christmas eve and Christmas it's self. Why did I loose so much of that this year? I'm baffled by it, but it has me more depressed than ever.

Life has me feeling lost.

I feel like I should be living life to the fullest, and loving every moment. Something inside me is holding me back. My attitude right now is sore, and my personality is really lacking. I feel bad for those around me, for friends and for my loved ones. Especially Nathan.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing the love of my life away. It's in those moments that I hate myself. It doesn't help to feel that way, because it begins the cycle all over again. I'm encouraged when he tells me he loves me, and it helps me remember I can change.

The end of the day, the last 15 or 20 minutes, are with God. Those are the moments where I tell him he's the only reason I'm sane. Those 15 minutes are the only peace in my day.

Heath Ledger: 1979 - 2008

When a young person dies, you really sit back and wonder.
To die at 28 years old, is to wonder if you've ever lived.
People die everyday.
Even when a celebrity dies, you feel it. (it's in the news, its in your face).
Especially when they had such a life ahead of them.



Heath Ledger RIP

The story..

Ode to growing up.

It's funny that you can sit back and see what in your life needs to change but never actually get to that point. It's in reach but it almost has an invisibility of some sort, and it's kind of mocking you. It's like you already have hindsight but you're just not listening, are you? Yeah, me either. It's a lot harder than it seems.

January 25th.

For the sake of my sanity I hope my birthday is not another downer.
3 weeks.