Life is

Learning about family history is always interesting. It's always quite refreshing to hear about the good times and learn when your grandparents got married, how they originally met and about your grandmother's sisters (especially when you find she has 5!). But there is the stories of why two sisters who not only haven't spoken since 1982, but that the fight was over a quilt. Senseless it seems that for 25 years two sisters would fight over something so material. One sister is now in her 90s while my grandma is 72.

On my grandfather's side I learned of the name changes and of my famous relatives. Our last name was changed several generations before mine, because of a bootlegger in town, my great great grandfather was "a religious man" and changed the name to "Carlson" because of this bootlegger. My great grandfather restored our last name and thus is how I am not a Carlson. "Country Inn's & Suites by Carlson", amongst other things, were started by my grandfather's cousin.

I looked through the book of family history, which dates back to the 1500s, a Finish family who moved to Sweden. As I looked through, my grandmother told me stories. I than looked over old photographs, of her wedding, of her sisters and brothers (4 in total), and of my grandfather. She pointed and named everyone in her wedding party. This is when she pointed to Bruce, my grandfather's best friend.

Ted, my grandpa, and Bruce had been best friends since high school. They had many traditions, including a weekly breakfast or lunch. My grandmother, grandpa and Bruce would even take trips together. As my grandfather got older, and Alzheimer's symptoms started to show, Bruce was always there for him. He would pick him up and drive him around.

My grandfather died February 14, 2006. He was 75. A couple weeks later Bruce's brother died due to complications in a "routine surgery". Bruce had lost his best friend and his brother within months of each other. His depression overwhelmed him. Than the unthinkable happened. Bruce, taken by his grief, jumped off of a 7 story building.. to his death. He left a son, who although older, still needed a father. Bruce's son still calls my grandmother on holiday's, in fact he called yesterday. I hope his heart is healing.

Life is sacred, and I know that my grandfather would have never wanted for Bruce to succumb in such a way. The bitter truth is that life hurts, joy diminishes and even the most happy people hide themselves away.

The hardest part is fighting back, but even the hostile can overcome their deepest heartaches.

Merrrryy Christmas!

funny pictures

:D

I'm in southern California for the festivities this year, and have had a good week so far. Nathan drove down with me and is leaving today, on the train. It was fun just hanging out and seeing everyone (and the animals). Christmas is 5 days away! Yay!

One cool thing: My Dad and I traded phones. Well sort of, he gave me his Samsung Blackjack and started using the Treo 650 again that I had used in the earlier part of this year. One annoyance: My text messages haven't worked since we left the At&t store. (My sister needed a new phone, and my Dad needed a charger) :| Bum-mer. So I think we'll have to try again this afternoon, I'm not sure at all why they aren't working. But to pay for free text and they don't work? That's kind of lame. :/

Gots them fixed! :D



Anyway, I have a puppy sitting on my shoulders, and dog hair ALL over me. :) But that's how it should be!

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!



Final Grades:

Term GPA: 3.471





TENNIS







B

1.00





INTRO GRAPH COMM







A

2.00





DIGITAL VIDEO PR







C

4.00





DESKTOP PUBLSH







A

3.00





ADOBE ILL/ILL SW







A

3.00





GRAPHIC DESGN I







A

3.00





INT TO MACINTOSH







A

1.00

12.17.07

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

-where are you christmas - faith hill [version]

Finally.

As of today I am official a Cosmetology student!


Well.. I don't start till February 11th but today I filled out all my paper work and figured out financial aid! Praise God I didn't have to pay a $1,000 upfront! I'm paying payments.. so I'm fully funded and will be paying back my loan come six months after graduation (end of 2009). I am so thankful that I was funded for most of my cost. I will be paying about $80 a month while in school, though.

I'm hoping to cope with everything soon. Figure out, in a spread sheet, exactly what I cost a month, and figure out what I can limit, budget and spend. I'm pretty optimistic about life, even knowing it has major ups and downs, I just can't be down about it all the time! I have to keep going. Otherwise you fall too deep. etcetera.

Writing is how I vent though, so I apologize for anything I might write that may mislead you. I generally want to be optimistic. But we all know we don't always get what we want. Writing is my way of keeping out of trouble, if that makes sense. It's also my way of expressing my heart.


:)


I wait in hope for your salvation, God.
Genesis 49:18[MSG]

Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.
Expect God to get here soon.
Psalm 31:24 [MSG]


Watch this: God's eye is on those who respect him,
the ones who are looking for his love.
He's ready to come to their rescue in bad times;
in lean times he keeps body and soul together.
Psalm 33:18 [MSG]

We're depending on God;
he's everything we need.
What's more, our hearts brim with joy
since we've taken for our own his holy name.
Love us, God, with all you've got—
that's what we're depending on.
Psalm 33:22[MSG]

Here we go again

Four years, you'd think for sure
That's all you've got to endure
All the total dicks,
All the stuck-up chicks
So superficial,
So immature
And then when you graduate
you take a look around and you say
HEY WAIT
This is the same as where I just came from
I thought it was over
Oh that's just great!

The whole damn world
Is just as obsessed
With who's the best dressed
And who's having sex
Who's got the money
Who gets the honeys
Who's kinda cute
And who's just a mess

And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
Nothing changes, but the faces, the names and the trends
High School Never Ends!

Check out the popular kids
You'll never guess what Jessica did
How did Mary Kate lose all that weight
And Katie had a baby so I guess Tom's straight
And the only thing that matters
Is climbing up that social ladder
Still care about your hair and the car you drive
Doesn't matter if you're sixteen or thirty-five

Reese Witherspoon
She's the prom queen
[High School Never Ends lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Bill Gates
Captain of the Chess team
Jack Black
The Clown
Brad Pitt
The quarterback
I've seen it all before
I want my money back!

The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex
Who's in the club
And who's on the drugs
Who's throwing up, before they digest
And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
And you still listen to the same shit you did back then
High School Never Ends!

high school never ends

The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who's the best dressed
And who's having sex
Who's got the money
Who gets the honeys
Who's kinda cute
and who's just a mess
And I still don't have the right look
And I still have the same three friends
And I'm pretty much the same as I was back then
High School Never Ends!

High School Never Ends

High School Never Ends

Here we go again

Bowling for Soup - Highschool Never Ends

Come and listen.

funny pictures

Hehe.

I'm trying to find beauty in the simple, and I find beauty is simple really. It's everywhere.

I was having a conversation with a friend about "Song of Solomon". I mentioned to him that I enjoyed the way Solomon wrote, and he said even Song of Solomon? I said yes, I said it's someone's honesty. I love honesty, no matter the subject. But honesty is also something that bruises to the core. It's like they are honestly saying you look terrible and as much as your like thanks for being honest, inside you are burning with grief at the fact that they would say such a thing! Oh what a double edge sword that one is!

We continued to talk about Song of Solomon, and both agreed that we'd understand it much better when each of us got married. It's understanding a person a certain way, taking a husband or wife, etc. For now I will appreciate it's simple beautiful honesty :)

It's almost 2AM and I'm sitting on my bed, listening to David Crowder Band. A band I have not listened to in a long time. I love them but I tired from hearing them. I am still amazed every time I hear them however. Boy do they impress me! This is completely random by the way and I had no point to it just to say that I love DCB and rediscovering them tonight was good.

At Axis we have been studying the history of Christmas. I find it absolutely fascinating. People who do not know me well, will learn that I love to study history. I am actually a declared history major. I'm not pursuing that field, but it still intrigues me like no other thing. I love knowing why, how, and when. I am bias towards Ancient history, however, and favor Egyptian history.

Anyway, learning about the people of the time makes me want to study it further. In the end it makes me want to go back to studying Latin. I'd sometime in my life like to learn French, Latin, Greek and Aramaic. I know that is a very tough goal, but it all really fascinates me, and I just want to know. Know as much as possible.

On that note, I am going to head to bed, this post is turning into a middle of the night random train of thought. :)

It's real easy.

It's simple to keep things to yourself.
But once and awhile everyone needs another person (people).


My prayer requests:
1) Housing. I have to give up over thinking this.
2) Money. Everyday is a struggle and a worry.


I am in the middle, the "I want to grow up but can't, But I'm such a 'child' and I can't be that either", Limbo. Awful. I'd like to balance my innerchild with my outeradult. I want to calm down a little bit, I know so may people worry about these things, I just don't want to worry. I want to be responsible, but still have fun. I want to have fun but still be smart. I want to budget and still spend. I want to spend, and still save.

I guess I'm looking for encouragement, the "your not alone" kind.

(/end of sappy, self-involved post)

The so called

I was doing it right.
Going to college.
But I'm drowning anyway.





A's and B's don't pay the bills.

Flickr

http://www.flickr.com/photos/nateandwhit/

Happy...

funny pictures

funny pictures


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

I have to take responsibility now.

But I sure as hell wish I had taken it a year ago.

I'm in debt, at 19, how is this possible?! You know how? You make not enough to pay for everything you want (and feel you need). Which is selfish, juvenile and stupid on my part.

I never want to hear "we wanted to call you... before we sent you to collections." EVER AGAIN. That is my vow.

Shape up or get sucked in further.

-wb

How about a real blog, eh? Scatterbrained as this one might be.

I'm sitting in my room, it's almost 2AM again. I haven't gone to bed before 1AM in weeks. Probably will not be heading to bed anytime soon. It does explain my lack of energy and the many classes I have missed in those weeks. Thankfully I have understanding teachers, but regardless of them, I myself am not being responsible.

At this point I'm just like screw it, I'm sleeping. Terrible, but this semester has been very boring. Yes I'm one of those kids who doesn't succeed if I'm bored. I'm completely capable of over achieving. That's also been pointed out by my classmates. "Oh stop over achieving!" (joke?) "Oh I'm not as good as you." I don't really enjoy comments like such, I feel spited, and targeted. Plus I knew my teacher from last semester so sometimes it looks like I am a teacher's pet. Oh joy. You get those same glares from your classmates you did in Junior High. Even in JH I would slack off mainly because I didn't want to be that teacher's pet. Oh how awful that really is.

I also notice how spiteful I am, or can be. You should have seen the eye roll I gave my teacher when he announced our "group project". My teachers are fine with me, because for the most part I'm delightful, but I don't know what's been over me. I've even had a teacher ask me if I was "alright" after I snapped at him. He gently backed off as I responded with a "oh I'm fine". I would much rather be respectful and a delightful person but I've let go a lot more this semester. Let a lot out. That's why I am glad I will be only part time at City College. I need to be somewhat stimulated and active at school otherwise I'll end up more spiteful, and less liked. It's not a personality conflict, it's a choice.



------

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - hate [heyt]
verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun

–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.

–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.



For whatever reason, I am still muttering over past conflicts, that I want to be over but I'm not. I suppose my conflict can be described as thus: you leave a place, and you want to leave it forever, but for so long you called it home, metaphorically or otherwise, and so now there is a hole where your heart should have been. That sums it up, generically. Have you felt this way?


Hate is a funny thing. Not funny.. hate is "interesting". I left the pronunciation of it up there. The idea of explaining hate to someone, well, I think it's a lot easier than explaining "air". We use the word "hate" meaninglessly, just like "love". Or "hope" or "grace", or "thank you". And for those Christians, "I will pray for you". Over used words, and frankly many do not mean a thing these days.

I use to feel I didn't know hate, or feel capable of hating someone or something. It's not until you actually hate someone that you go "wow, this is a very dark feeling." It's a lot easier to hate someone once you've let yourself hate one person. That's a pity really. It's a lot like lust. Not that you crave hate, but that you allow it to cover your mind and overflow your heart. Soon you're lost in it, drowning in it. It's so hard to get away from. And I struggle with it too.

It feels good to write my thoughts down. Feel free to share your feelings on the matter(s)

-wb



-----
Please check out www.Shanalogic.com. I generally love what they have on showcase there. Plus who could beat this quote "
Support artists - Buy handmade and feel good about every purchase!" :)



Again I link http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Could make anyone happy. :)

These are always interesting.

About Me
Emotional
You're the strong and independent type, secure in your decisions. If you want something done right, you take care of it on your own.

Intellectual
You have a naturally curious mind. If there's something new that you want to learn, you're not afraid to ask questions or investigate on your own.

Physical
If the weather is nice, you like walking around your neighborhood. Going to the farmer's market or park is how you prefer to get in physical activity.

-Information from Virtual Personality on Facebook's Top Friend's application

Time Passes by.

"Well I know it's been years now
And I don't look the same.
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be.
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me.

Cause nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right.

And I know that we're gonna be fine.
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time.
As long as we live, time passes by.
And we won't get it back when we die."
[quoted from]Bowling for Soup - When We Die

If you make the world a stage for me, than I hope that you can hear me scream.

Today I had my second interview with my hopefully-soon-to-be school. I however willnot be starting in January regardless of my next (and hopefully final) interview. This was not anything I could have stopped though. The girl one appointment ahead of me got the last remaining spot. But my representative said that she was ahead in the process than me either way. I passed the "12 minute test", but the reason I'm not entirely a student yet, is FAFSA and financial aid. I did everything right, but my parents have to be involved so it complicates things. Especially with them being down south right now. But it's okay. They're doing all they can to finish everything so I will be squared away.

So as of today I have a priority spot for February 11th, 2008. That's nice. I'm setting up a third interview after Thanksgiving.

I guess I can't be rejected at this point but I could run into some money issues, but you know what it'll work out if it's supposed too. But ugh financial aid, free money jump through our hoops! As my Mom says "the government is funny like that".

26//24

"Experiences of failure//rejection dominate your memory, and have probably resulted in a great deal of depression. These problems will remain until some definitive action is taken. In other words, this condition will not simply disappear; time alone cannot heal your pain. You need to experience deep healing in your self-concept, in your relationship with God, and in your relationship with others."

This week made this evident in my life.

I don't know what else to say.

Relationships.

American Heritage Dictionary
re·la·tion·ship

1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings.
4. A romantic or sexual involvement.

Relationships are the hardest things in life. Maintaining them, without controlling them. Nurturing them without smothering them. Having new ones without loosing contact with old ones.

Today for example I told a friend I was worried for him and his response was "But . . . you've never met me." This is true, being that he is a friend of a friends, but non-the-less we are now friends. I told him "doesn't mean your pain isn't real".

As I stepped back and looked at the conversation, I realized how often I feel exactly how he did. It's hard when you feel so clouded in your pain. You wonder why or how someone can see the pain you desperately try to hide. But don't want to be alone in.

To people who I have met I sometimes want to say "But... you've never met me". Maybe I should remember that it doesn't mean my pain isn't real.


Note worthy:
http://toslayadragon.deviantart.com/art/Anxiety-67572121

An eye opener.

I had an interesting thing said to me this week. My friend said to me "it's a good thing you didn't go to *that place* (to keep things simple)", and she went on to say "yeah, it turns out they are overtly radical, hypocritical, and superficial" something along those lines at least.

I didn't think much of it until tonight at Axis. We were talking about meaning. I started to think about this life decision I chose not to do. It's been a year since deciding not to go and I always wonder if I should have. When my friend told me this, being that her friend DID go and is there, I finally felt as if that question has been answered.

I was trying to find myself, and running was my answer. Even if I thought or justified that running with my intended cause. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

Thursdays.

I love Thursdays. Maybe it's because it's my last "school" day and my weekend is Friday-Sunday. Maybe. Or maybe it's because some of my favourite (and most challenging classes) are today.

I'm so use to flying thru the assignments in 4.5 of 7 of my classes. The 2.5 that I don't are A) tennis b) Graphic Design I and for a .5 pt intro to graphic comm..

Tennis is manly (I just wrote manly on accident haha) ahem, mainly, because I have no racket control. I am a softball player. I am short but I can hit a ball. So trying to get the tennis ball not to fly across the court into the street is actually quite challenging. I hit someone last week, who was on the other side of the fence. Hey it was just a tennis ball. +shifts eyes+ oh btw.. Tennis is Mon/Wed, but still good.

Graphic Design is fun. It's from 6 - 10pm and we have usually between 2 and 3 projects per class. We've been working on one steady project for two weeks (it's once a week--on Thursday). It was a "design a logo for a state" project. In the end I finished up 2 besides the one I fancied the most. I was proud of it. I chose New Jersey if you were wondering. Why? I lived there for 9 years.

Intro to Graphics Communication. This class is fun too. It's just a step about my other intro classes, because it's challenging. It's an introduction to all the programs a person might use in this field. Today we're combining what we've made in Adobe Illustrator, the document we wrote in Microsoft Word, and a Adobe Photoshop photo of ourself into a Microsoft Powerpoint presentation. I am actually liking it. I didn't finish in class, which surprised me. I just got home and I'm going to work on it.

Ahh school.. where it's leading me I do not know but in the meantime I'm gonna enjoy it.


Cheers.


Btw, I bought something today! this is just awesome.











www.Ephraimclothing.com









Pick of the week



It's almost that time of year for "no shopping because it's the holidays", so hey, start your Christmas List early.

www.Ephraimclothing.com
Direct link to hat

LOL IRL OMG. :]

this made me 'lol irl' :)

www.icanhascheezburger.com
I'm new. i love it though.



469761052_6f055c51e9.jpg



How I feel sometimes.
I is tired wurk tooƂ hard

Oh boy.

One of my classes is going over 'podcasting' and my group decided our topic would be on Apple more specifically the iPhone/iPods. My teacher has an iPhone, so we got to play with it a bit. It made me just want one. I spend the better half of my money on cellphones. But I will quote Steve Jobs when I say "This is life in the technology lane. If you always wait for the next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you'll never buy any technology product because there is always something better and less expensive on the horizon."

However I'm weighing it as thus Canon Rebel XT: $599 or Apple iPhone $399.
This would have been more fair BEFORE they lowered the iPhone price, now it's just screams "buy an iPhone".

What a conundrum.
Only for a self proclaimed geek like myself.


Pssh. you can see the great priorities in my life.

Ooh lala.

Wish lists, ahh. I love fashion by the way. And usually what I like is as spunky as my personality. (That said, I'm pretty spunky).
>>Here's what I've found today while browsing.




Lulu two pocket tote
Very cute and for $38, that's a sweet deal.
I am definately eyeing this one...



$38
www.nordstrom.com [www.bpnordsrom.com]
Photo courtesy of www.Nordstrom.com












Lulu Printed School Bag
$24 is not bad for this cute bag, and as a college student cute AND functional is key.

$24
www.nordstrom.com [www.bpnordsrom.com]
Photo courtesy of www.Nordstrom.com














Velvet Torch Shantung Corset Dress (Juniors)
I'm all about retro inspired print.

$62
www.nordstrom.com [www.bpnordsrom.com]
Photo courtesy of www.Nordstrom.com

















UGG® Australia 'Classic Tall' Boot (Women)
It's terribly trendy, I'm very sorry. But honestly, I like them. I promise not to wear them in the summer
(I wouldn't, it's 105+ here in the Valley).

I prefer chocolate brown.
$149 ((ouch, paying for quality?))
www.nordstrom.com
Photo courtesy of www.Nordstrom.com









Braeburn Bentwood Chairs - Set of 2
I love these. It's a set of two so I'll let the $139 price tag slide, they're pretty nifty. The art is bright, and the chairs come in more colors than just this!

$139.00
www.Urbanoutfitters.com
Photo courtesy of www.Urbanoutfitters.com











Make Pie not War Roxette rocks
My friends at Make Pie not War are making some pretty awesome things. This one is my favourite (if I had to pick). Hand made with love. Description: Gold 20" chain with crystals

$30
http://www.myspace.com/makepiejewelry
Photo courtesy of Make Pie not War
















Ephraim Clothing
No Longer Dining With The Enemy
I am a huge fan of Ephraim clothing and have been since they started up. This one's for the boys.

$30.00
http://ephraimclothing.com/
Photo courtesy of Ephraim Clothing













Betsey Johnson Teardrop Dress
This is a little steep for my budget, but heck this dress is so

cute.

$330 (iphone or dress? hmmm)
www.
Urbanoutfitters.com
Photo courtesy of
www.Urbanoutfitters.com



















Whitnee's closet.




Van's Classic Slip-on Animal Prints: Koi


I'll let you in on a secret, I have these shoes, in black and white. I love them.

Unfortunately, they only go to a size

8US (9.5 women's in orange).


$40.00
www.vans.com or any Van's store
Photo courtesy of www.vans.com



Cheap Monday Tight Jean

Another secret, I love these jeans. Love 'em, recommend 'em. I'm short, so having a tight jean means no hemming for me!

$65
www.Urbanoutfitters.com
Photo courtesy of
www.Urbanoutfitters.com











Lux Overdyed Denim Short
I wear these with leggings. It's been a hot summer, and these were nice. Other colors available. Plus they're on sale now! (I paid full price..)

Now $14.99 (Was $38.00)
www.Urbanoutfitters.com
Photo courtesy of www.Urbanoutfitters.com

Take a deep breath.

It'll be alright.



Ok. moving on. I noticed today how many bulletins I post on myspace. The last month I've been deleting people who post too many bulletins, and now I would not blame someone for deleting me.

Okay I want to clarify that I do NOT post bulletin's such as "..count to 5,000 and your crush will like you forever!!!! % OMGGG!" No. But still, I do post a lot.

Why I am even writing about this I do not know, but oh well.
Cheers.

New ipods, already?

I must admit. I'm excited. My friend and I are sitting in our Desktop Publishing class checking www.engadget.com for updates. The blogger is currently sitting in an Apple conference. How exciting is that? Okay that is definately a goal of mine, gain access to a press conference. Please Steve Jobs. I'm 19, and quite whitty (no pun intended).

Anyway, I won't be buying a new ipod, but the technology that Apple is spitting out is awesome. I am just so amazed.
EDIT: Drop in iPhone price? That is So tempting. Jobs, you're a genius! I'm so glad I'm on at&t right about now... :)

Apple, you are the Ford of our day.

EDIT: www.apple.com official photos. mmmmmm

Ps; Did I tell you I love my macbook? I do.
I'm on a Macpro right now at my school. It's not intel, but it's doing good. I am however coveting this 20" apple cinema. mmmm

Warning by Incubus

Holding a grudge.

We've all seen previews for "The Grudge" movie, right? Well what if our grudges really manifested in some insane way. Would we be more prone to forgiveness? I'd hope so. I hate that nagging feeling, you know the one thats saying "you're holding a grudge, about this?!" So many wars, divorces, breakups, split ups have happened for sour milk between people. Terrible really, but when they hurt you, it's hard to stay strong.

Busy schedule.

This is my night off from school. Why I decided to go to school 11 hours a day, 4 days a week is beyond me. 17 units. But hey I have much of my major classes finis , and now to tackle general ed. Exciting..

I had a nap today. I'm sorry, but it felt good. I do not feel lazy.

New age.

Blogs are the new hard back, handwritten, journal. It's hard to believe I was "blogging" at 12 years old and I've been dong it for almost 8 years now. It's also interesting how much media attention bloggers get. Or how much trouble the infamous bloggers can get into.

Quite intersting, yes.



Currently I am updating: a myspace, xanga, facebook, and a blogger.


Welcome to the digital age, may I scan your bar code and have your email address?