13. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
its hard to find something worth getting out of bed for.
Everyday this week has been a struggle to get up and out of bed. In fact I didn't go into work twice this week, merely because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. As I sit and contemplate why that is, I can't think of anything. I merely cannot find "something worth getting out of bed for." I think I've gotten considerably lazy in the past few months. I've always been a night owl, but lately it's been worse than just staying up late. It's the urge to just not move, and pretend I'm tired, which I'm not, and go back to sleep when I'm not even a bit tired. Or I am tired but its not a physical tired.
I'm mentally anguished, inwardly tired and outwardly frustrated.
I've emotionally gotten worse since Christmas. I suppose the last Christmas as a teenager made me feel more like an adult than anything else.
Maybe for the past twenty years I put too much pressure and focus on presents. Well I wouldn't say presents sucked this year so I don't think thats it. It's the identity of Christmas in my life that I miss. I miss setting up the tree, being excited about Christmas eve and Christmas it's self. Why did I loose so much of that this year? I'm baffled by it, but it has me more depressed than ever.
Life has me feeling lost.
I feel like I should be living life to the fullest, and loving every moment. Something inside me is holding me back. My attitude right now is sore, and my personality is really lacking. I feel bad for those around me, for friends and for my loved ones. Especially Nathan.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing the love of my life away. It's in those moments that I hate myself. It doesn't help to feel that way, because it begins the cycle all over again. I'm encouraged when he tells me he loves me, and it helps me remember I can change.
The end of the day, the last 15 or 20 minutes, are with God. Those are the moments where I tell him he's the only reason I'm sane. Those 15 minutes are the only peace in my day.
its hard to find something worth getting out of bed for.
Everyday this week has been a struggle to get up and out of bed. In fact I didn't go into work twice this week, merely because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. As I sit and contemplate why that is, I can't think of anything. I merely cannot find "something worth getting out of bed for." I think I've gotten considerably lazy in the past few months. I've always been a night owl, but lately it's been worse than just staying up late. It's the urge to just not move, and pretend I'm tired, which I'm not, and go back to sleep when I'm not even a bit tired. Or I am tired but its not a physical tired.
I'm mentally anguished, inwardly tired and outwardly frustrated.
I've emotionally gotten worse since Christmas. I suppose the last Christmas as a teenager made me feel more like an adult than anything else.
Maybe for the past twenty years I put too much pressure and focus on presents. Well I wouldn't say presents sucked this year so I don't think thats it. It's the identity of Christmas in my life that I miss. I miss setting up the tree, being excited about Christmas eve and Christmas it's self. Why did I loose so much of that this year? I'm baffled by it, but it has me more depressed than ever.
Life has me feeling lost.
I feel like I should be living life to the fullest, and loving every moment. Something inside me is holding me back. My attitude right now is sore, and my personality is really lacking. I feel bad for those around me, for friends and for my loved ones. Especially Nathan.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing the love of my life away. It's in those moments that I hate myself. It doesn't help to feel that way, because it begins the cycle all over again. I'm encouraged when he tells me he loves me, and it helps me remember I can change.
The end of the day, the last 15 or 20 minutes, are with God. Those are the moments where I tell him he's the only reason I'm sane. Those 15 minutes are the only peace in my day.
2 comments:
I take comfort in the fact that sometimes God is all that remains of my sanity. I love to refer back to John 16:33 and reflect on that. Life can sure be depressing sometimes though.
I could have written that exact same post. I love you, I wish I had answers. But Happy Happy Wonderful Birthday to you my sister!
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