I have to take responsibility now.
But I sure as hell wish I had taken it a year ago.
I'm in debt, at 19, how is this possible?! You know how? You make not enough to pay for everything you want (and feel you need). Which is selfish, juvenile and stupid on my part.
I never want to hear "we wanted to call you... before we sent you to collections." EVER AGAIN. That is my vow.
Shape up or get sucked in further.
-wb
I'm in debt, at 19, how is this possible?! You know how? You make not enough to pay for everything you want (and feel you need). Which is selfish, juvenile and stupid on my part.
I never want to hear "we wanted to call you... before we sent you to collections." EVER AGAIN. That is my vow.
Shape up or get sucked in further.
-wb
How about a real blog, eh? Scatterbrained as this one might be.
I'm sitting in my room, it's almost 2AM again. I haven't gone to bed before 1AM in weeks. Probably will not be heading to bed anytime soon. It does explain my lack of energy and the many classes I have missed in those weeks. Thankfully I have understanding teachers, but regardless of them, I myself am not being responsible.
At this point I'm just like screw it, I'm sleeping. Terrible, but this semester has been very boring. Yes I'm one of those kids who doesn't succeed if I'm bored. I'm completely capable of over achieving. That's also been pointed out by my classmates. "Oh stop over achieving!" (joke?) "Oh I'm not as good as you." I don't really enjoy comments like such, I feel spited, and targeted. Plus I knew my teacher from last semester so sometimes it looks like I am a teacher's pet. Oh joy. You get those same glares from your classmates you did in Junior High. Even in JH I would slack off mainly because I didn't want to be that teacher's pet. Oh how awful that really is.
I also notice how spiteful I am, or can be. You should have seen the eye roll I gave my teacher when he announced our "group project". My teachers are fine with me, because for the most part I'm delightful, but I don't know what's been over me. I've even had a teacher ask me if I was "alright" after I snapped at him. He gently backed off as I responded with a "oh I'm fine". I would much rather be respectful and a delightful person but I've let go a lot more this semester. Let a lot out. That's why I am glad I will be only part time at City College. I need to be somewhat stimulated and active at school otherwise I'll end up more spiteful, and less liked. It's not a personality conflict, it's a choice.
------
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - hate [heyt]
verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.
For whatever reason, I am still muttering over past conflicts, that I want to be over but I'm not. I suppose my conflict can be described as thus: you leave a place, and you want to leave it forever, but for so long you called it home, metaphorically or otherwise, and so now there is a hole where your heart should have been. That sums it up, generically. Have you felt this way?
Hate is a funny thing. Not funny.. hate is "interesting". I left the pronunciation of it up there. The idea of explaining hate to someone, well, I think it's a lot easier than explaining "air". We use the word "hate" meaninglessly, just like "love". Or "hope" or "grace", or "thank you". And for those Christians, "I will pray for you". Over used words, and frankly many do not mean a thing these days.
I use to feel I didn't know hate, or feel capable of hating someone or something. It's not until you actually hate someone that you go "wow, this is a very dark feeling." It's a lot easier to hate someone once you've let yourself hate one person. That's a pity really. It's a lot like lust. Not that you crave hate, but that you allow it to cover your mind and overflow your heart. Soon you're lost in it, drowning in it. It's so hard to get away from. And I struggle with it too.
It feels good to write my thoughts down. Feel free to share your feelings on the matter(s)
-wb
-----
Please check out www.Shanalogic.com. I generally love what they have on showcase there. Plus who could beat this quote "Support artists - Buy handmade and feel good about every purchase!" :)
Again I link http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Could make anyone happy. :)
At this point I'm just like screw it, I'm sleeping. Terrible, but this semester has been very boring. Yes I'm one of those kids who doesn't succeed if I'm bored. I'm completely capable of over achieving. That's also been pointed out by my classmates. "Oh stop over achieving!" (joke?) "Oh I'm not as good as you." I don't really enjoy comments like such, I feel spited, and targeted. Plus I knew my teacher from last semester so sometimes it looks like I am a teacher's pet. Oh joy. You get those same glares from your classmates you did in Junior High. Even in JH I would slack off mainly because I didn't want to be that teacher's pet. Oh how awful that really is.
I also notice how spiteful I am, or can be. You should have seen the eye roll I gave my teacher when he announced our "group project". My teachers are fine with me, because for the most part I'm delightful, but I don't know what's been over me. I've even had a teacher ask me if I was "alright" after I snapped at him. He gently backed off as I responded with a "oh I'm fine". I would much rather be respectful and a delightful person but I've let go a lot more this semester. Let a lot out. That's why I am glad I will be only part time at City College. I need to be somewhat stimulated and active at school otherwise I'll end up more spiteful, and less liked. It's not a personality conflict, it's a choice.
------
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - hate [heyt]
verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.
For whatever reason, I am still muttering over past conflicts, that I want to be over but I'm not. I suppose my conflict can be described as thus: you leave a place, and you want to leave it forever, but for so long you called it home, metaphorically or otherwise, and so now there is a hole where your heart should have been. That sums it up, generically. Have you felt this way?
Hate is a funny thing. Not funny.. hate is "interesting". I left the pronunciation of it up there. The idea of explaining hate to someone, well, I think it's a lot easier than explaining "air". We use the word "hate" meaninglessly, just like "love". Or "hope" or "grace", or "thank you". And for those Christians, "I will pray for you". Over used words, and frankly many do not mean a thing these days.
I use to feel I didn't know hate, or feel capable of hating someone or something. It's not until you actually hate someone that you go "wow, this is a very dark feeling." It's a lot easier to hate someone once you've let yourself hate one person. That's a pity really. It's a lot like lust. Not that you crave hate, but that you allow it to cover your mind and overflow your heart. Soon you're lost in it, drowning in it. It's so hard to get away from. And I struggle with it too.
It feels good to write my thoughts down. Feel free to share your feelings on the matter(s)
-wb
-----
Please check out www.Shanalogic.com. I generally love what they have on showcase there. Plus who could beat this quote "Support artists - Buy handmade and feel good about every purchase!" :)
Again I link http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Could make anyone happy. :)
These are always interesting.
About Me
Emotional You're the strong and independent type, secure in your decisions. If you want something done right, you take care of it on your own.
Intellectual
You have a naturally curious mind. If there's something new that you want to learn, you're not afraid to ask questions or investigate on your own.
Physical
If the weather is nice, you like walking around your neighborhood. Going to the farmer's market or park is how you prefer to get in physical activity.
-Information from Virtual Personality on Facebook's Top Friend's application
Time Passes by.
"Well I know it's been years now
And I don't look the same.
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be.
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me.
Cause nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right.
And I know that we're gonna be fine.
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time.
As long as we live, time passes by.
And we won't get it back when we die."
[quoted from]Bowling for Soup - When We Die
And I don't look the same.
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be.
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me.
Cause nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right.
And I know that we're gonna be fine.
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time.
As long as we live, time passes by.
And we won't get it back when we die."
[quoted from]Bowling for Soup - When We Die
If you make the world a stage for me, than I hope that you can hear me scream.
Today I had my second interview with my hopefully-soon-to-be school. I however willnot be starting in January regardless of my next (and hopefully final) interview. This was not anything I could have stopped though. The girl one appointment ahead of me got the last remaining spot. But my representative said that she was ahead in the process than me either way. I passed the "12 minute test", but the reason I'm not entirely a student yet, is FAFSA and financial aid. I did everything right, but my parents have to be involved so it complicates things. Especially with them being down south right now. But it's okay. They're doing all they can to finish everything so I will be squared away.
So as of today I have a priority spot for February 11th, 2008. That's nice. I'm setting up a third interview after Thanksgiving.
I guess I can't be rejected at this point but I could run into some money issues, but you know what it'll work out if it's supposed too. But ugh financial aid, free money jump through our hoops! As my Mom says "the government is funny like that".
So as of today I have a priority spot for February 11th, 2008. That's nice. I'm setting up a third interview after Thanksgiving.
I guess I can't be rejected at this point but I could run into some money issues, but you know what it'll work out if it's supposed too. But ugh financial aid, free money jump through our hoops! As my Mom says "the government is funny like that".
26//24
"Experiences of failure//rejection dominate your memory, and have probably resulted in a great deal of depression. These problems will remain until some definitive action is taken. In other words, this condition will not simply disappear; time alone cannot heal your pain. You need to experience deep healing in your self-concept, in your relationship with God, and in your relationship with others."
This week made this evident in my life.
I don't know what else to say.
This week made this evident in my life.
I don't know what else to say.
Relationships.
American Heritage Dictionary
re·la·tion·ship
1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings.
4. A romantic or sexual involvement.
Relationships are the hardest things in life. Maintaining them, without controlling them. Nurturing them without smothering them. Having new ones without loosing contact with old ones.
Today for example I told a friend I was worried for him and his response was "But . . . you've never met me." This is true, being that he is a friend of a friends, but non-the-less we are now friends. I told him "doesn't mean your pain isn't real".
As I stepped back and looked at the conversation, I realized how often I feel exactly how he did. It's hard when you feel so clouded in your pain. You wonder why or how someone can see the pain you desperately try to hide. But don't want to be alone in.
To people who I have met I sometimes want to say "But... you've never met me". Maybe I should remember that it doesn't mean my pain isn't real.
Note worthy:
http://toslayadragon.deviantart.com/art/Anxiety-67572121
re·la·tion·ship
1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings.
4. A romantic or sexual involvement.
Relationships are the hardest things in life. Maintaining them, without controlling them. Nurturing them without smothering them. Having new ones without loosing contact with old ones.
Today for example I told a friend I was worried for him and his response was "But . . . you've never met me." This is true, being that he is a friend of a friends, but non-the-less we are now friends. I told him "doesn't mean your pain isn't real".
As I stepped back and looked at the conversation, I realized how often I feel exactly how he did. It's hard when you feel so clouded in your pain. You wonder why or how someone can see the pain you desperately try to hide. But don't want to be alone in.
To people who I have met I sometimes want to say "But... you've never met me". Maybe I should remember that it doesn't mean my pain isn't real.
Note worthy:
http://toslayadragon.deviantart.com/art/Anxiety-67572121
An eye opener.
I had an interesting thing said to me this week. My friend said to me "it's a good thing you didn't go to *that place* (to keep things simple)", and she went on to say "yeah, it turns out they are overtly radical, hypocritical, and superficial" something along those lines at least.
I didn't think much of it until tonight at Axis. We were talking about meaning. I started to think about this life decision I chose not to do. It's been a year since deciding not to go and I always wonder if I should have. When my friend told me this, being that her friend DID go and is there, I finally felt as if that question has been answered.
I was trying to find myself, and running was my answer. Even if I thought or justified that running with my intended cause. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?
I didn't think much of it until tonight at Axis. We were talking about meaning. I started to think about this life decision I chose not to do. It's been a year since deciding not to go and I always wonder if I should have. When my friend told me this, being that her friend DID go and is there, I finally felt as if that question has been answered.
I was trying to find myself, and running was my answer. Even if I thought or justified that running with my intended cause. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?
