Day 25, 2008: A day to reflect.

Today was my twentieth birthday. I had more well wishes than I could ever know what to do with. It was very uplifting.

The mountains. Wow. See in the valley, as most people know, we don't often see the Sierra Nevada's but today, they were beautiful. It was like a smile and blessing from God. As I'm driving see something that I've never see from Fresno. Beautiful.

I couldn't have asked for a better day, weather wise. It was sunny with clouds. Chilly but not freezing. And the rain? What rain! I had a whole day without it.

I spent most of my day at work, which was fine. I really do like working there (despite missing a few days here or there). I enjoy what I work on, and figuring it out. When I get frustrated, I close it. I go back to it later. Etcetera.

I just felt really good about the day. I appreciated all the people who took the time out to show they cared, on a day that is important to me.

After I came home, changed and waited for Nathan, we headed to dinner. We spent the night with our friends, who I love dearly. Each one of them brings a different personality to the table. It was kind of neat to intermingle, my friends and his. It was a good time.


In the end I thank God for every moment of the day, even the moments where I felt a little uncertain or a little overwhelmed. I just had to keep taking deep breaths and remembering why I'm here, why I live and how to live. To laugh, smile and have a good time. Life isn't perfect. But today was my day.

Day 24, 2008.

13. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
its hard to find something worth getting out of bed for.


Everyday this week has been a struggle to get up and out of bed. In fact I didn't go into work twice this week, merely because I didn't feel like getting out of bed. As I sit and contemplate why that is, I can't think of anything. I merely cannot find "something worth getting out of bed for." I think I've gotten considerably lazy in the past few months. I've always been a night owl, but lately it's been worse than just staying up late. It's the urge to just not move, and pretend I'm tired, which I'm not, and go back to sleep when I'm not even a bit tired. Or I am tired but its not a physical tired.

I'm mentally anguished, inwardly tired and outwardly frustrated.

I've emotionally gotten worse since Christmas. I suppose the last Christmas as a teenager made me feel more like an adult than anything else.

Maybe for the past twenty years I put too much pressure and focus on presents. Well I wouldn't say presents sucked this year so I don't think thats it. It's the identity of Christmas in my life that I miss. I miss setting up the tree, being excited about Christmas eve and Christmas it's self. Why did I loose so much of that this year? I'm baffled by it, but it has me more depressed than ever.

Life has me feeling lost.

I feel like I should be living life to the fullest, and loving every moment. Something inside me is holding me back. My attitude right now is sore, and my personality is really lacking. I feel bad for those around me, for friends and for my loved ones. Especially Nathan.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pushing the love of my life away. It's in those moments that I hate myself. It doesn't help to feel that way, because it begins the cycle all over again. I'm encouraged when he tells me he loves me, and it helps me remember I can change.

The end of the day, the last 15 or 20 minutes, are with God. Those are the moments where I tell him he's the only reason I'm sane. Those 15 minutes are the only peace in my day.

Heath Ledger: 1979 - 2008

When a young person dies, you really sit back and wonder.
To die at 28 years old, is to wonder if you've ever lived.
People die everyday.
Even when a celebrity dies, you feel it. (it's in the news, its in your face).
Especially when they had such a life ahead of them.



Heath Ledger RIP

The story..

Ode to growing up.

It's funny that you can sit back and see what in your life needs to change but never actually get to that point. It's in reach but it almost has an invisibility of some sort, and it's kind of mocking you. It's like you already have hindsight but you're just not listening, are you? Yeah, me either. It's a lot harder than it seems.

January 25th.

For the sake of my sanity I hope my birthday is not another downer.
3 weeks.