How Whitty.

I'm so in love with my memories.

It's quite incredible the amount of things you can be thankful for within 24 hours. Today I was merely thinking of how amazing my parents are. And how I am the mix of the two of them. How my dad and I had similar friends and my mom and I had similar boyfriends. I've always appreciated what my parents had to say, mostly because I have related to them. I can't say everythings always been peachy, but I can say that I wouldn't blame them for it.

I spent a lot of time with my family over the holidays. It was a good time for me, full of video games, giggling, giving, receiving, out of the ordinary activities. I wouldn't trade Christmas 2008. I'm so in love with my memories.

I just finished a good conversation with my Dad. I don't get to talk to him often, so when I do, it's very good. Often times he says the things I've wanted to hear or the things I've needed to hear.

The essence of who you want to be.

No matter how hard I try, I think human relationships are probably the toughest of all interactions. A cat might ignore you but you won't ever fight over the bathroom and a dog might annoy you but you will still cuddle up with them at bedtime. I'm not sure what makes a relationship with say an animal easier than a human being, besides a one-way conversation with no-one to back talk. Is it really pride that keeps "cat ladies" amongst the felines they adore so much?

I say this from my own experience. Some days I really wish I had a cat or dog to just enjoy the company. I get lonely sometimes, and sometimes all I want is a purr or a nice doggie kiss. They don't judge me or frustrate me nearly as much as a human.

People assume that by "relationship" someone is referring to a romantic one. I'm talking about all relationships. For me, romance is the least of my worries. I struggle day in and day out just to maintain friendships, and acqaintences a like.

I definitely do not profess to be some great friend. I've always been good at meeting people and enjoying their company and hoping they feel the same. But maintaining a friendship gets sloppy and frustrating. To be honest, sometimes it's easier to blow someone off than to be nice. I'm not saying that's what we should be doing, I'm just saying the thought crosses my mind at least 100 times a day.

1st day, job #2

Today went well, and the idea of responsibilities is surprisingly not frightening. At the moment I feel relieved to have a push in the right direction. I find myself fullfilling unsaid goals, meeting unwritten requirements. It's less alarming now, and I feel like just maybe the glimmer of hope I feel, will turn into a full fledge light of change and my life will be a little more on track.

I'm not saying I'm some horrible person or that my life is going in the "wrong direction". I just feel like in my own heart, that I'm going down a path of something I don't need. Laziness, unfullfillment, those are things I control. ME, not someone else.. not the media or the internet or anything. Those are things I allow in my life. If they make me lazy it's because I'm choosing to be that way.

I feel terrible when at the end of the day my thought is "well another day that I didn't do anything I love to do nor get anything done." That, I hope I don't have to tell myself again. One day at a time. One glimmer of hope at a time. A chance to change.

Sharing some youtube.

http://www.makeupgeek.com/

This woman is amazing! Her makeup tutorials are amazing, she does a great job too. Halloween is coming up so a lot of the looks are perfect, but she has some everyday make up too!

This is the look I am thinking for Halloween.. BUT there are so many.. I just can't pick!

-Whitnee

Habakkuk 3:2

LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.

Exhaustion.

According to http://en.wiktionary.org/, exhaustion can be define as "The point of complete depletion; used up; Supreme tiredness; having exhausted energy".

That is how I feel. It's not because I'm "so busy" that I don't get a second to think, it's more that I have too much time. It's not because of piling work or troublesome relationships (thankfully). But because I lack something to do.

It's because I can't seem to slow down. My mind is always wandering, and my heart beat is constantly running on fast. I've been told often that I don't know how to calm down. Right now I'm feeling it.

It's when you try to relax and the moment is perfect, but you're uncomfortable and your heart races.

My Sunday: Chinese fortune cookie

My Sunday: Chinese fortune cookie

"Today It's up to you to create the peacefulness you long for."

Sometimes I wonder if He's trying to speak to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even listening. It's blunt and it's obvious. It's easier to wallow in yourself, wallow in your doubt and drown in your pain.

My sister once shared with me that "happiness is a choice". But what happens when everyday you choose to be happy but the pain and frustration you feel still doesn't go away? I personally feel like a failure. It's much easier for me to comfort others than myself. I am the definition of "take your own advice".

Don't let your limitations overshadow your talents.

I find it quite amusing when I am reminded to keep my eyes "on the prize" by fortunes and advice. I guess it's the simple things that trigger ideas and remind you to sit down and relax, life is good, it just has it's ups and downs. Just like a swing (my favourite life analogy).

Canon 20D

I was given a Canon 20D yesterday. That's pretty splendid.

First week is always the hardest to conquer, especially after a break of somesort.

It's almost the end of week one, and I have no regrets so far. My teachers seem decent and so do the courses. It'll be exciting to actually dive into projects, especially in photoshop and photo 10. Maybe I'll even blend the two. :) French will prove to be the challenge of the semester, while Math comes in a close second, only because it covers such a wide spectrum, being that it is a refresher course. A friend of mine asked me how I thought I'd do this semester and I said I'd like to get good grades, and that is my plan. It's true.

Theme of a lifetime.

Thanks to Ashlee, I have a theme for my life..

"You can get anywhere if you simply go one step at a time."

A forward.

I received this in an email from my Aunt,
I found it very true and I thought I would share. Enjoy.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow…….but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

(Something my friend posted! Very funny..)

Never under estimate the power of a bad attitude.

Sticks and stones may break bones but words will never hurt me.

Has anyone ever felt like that saying is a complete sham? On the record, wouldn't you say words hurt more, by far? How many people remember someone pinching them 20 years after the fact? But... when they called them a "loser"..

These days people are so worried about their "carbon foot print". I'd like to take that a step forward and ask about our day to day attitude and the foot print that that leaves in the face of the world.

When it comes to words, body language and actions, I consider myself quite sensitive. Actually I consider myself hyper sensitive. So it comes as a surprise to most people that the very things that bother me the most, I will turn around and do. It's the idea of karma, what goes around comes around. To a degree I feel threatened by a persons behavior or idea or attitude. I have taken things too far before. It disappoints me to know that my attitude is often disappointing.

John 8:12-30 (The Message)

You're Missing God in All This

12Jesus once again addressed them: "I am the world's Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

13The Pharisees objected, "All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on."

14-18Jesus replied, "You're right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. That fulfills the conditions set down in God's Law: that you can count on the testimony of two witnesses. And that is what you have: You have my word and you have the word of the Father who sent me."

19They said, "Where is this so-called Father of yours?"

Jesus said, "You're looking right at me and you don't see me. How do you expect to see the Father? If you knew me, you would at the same time know the Father."

20He gave this speech in the Treasury while teaching in the Temple. No one arrested him because his time wasn't yet up.

21Then he went over the same ground again. "I'm leaving and you are going to look for me, but you're missing God in this and are headed for a dead end. There is no way you can come with me."

22The Jews said, "So, is he going to kill himself? Is that what he means by 'You can't come with me'?"

23-24Jesus said, "You're tied down to the mundane; I'm in touch with what is beyond your horizons. You live in terms of what you see and touch. I'm living on other terms. I told you that you were missing God in all this. You're at a dead end. If you won't believe I am who I say I am, you're at the dead end of sins. You're missing God in your lives."

25-26They said to him, "Just who are you anyway?"

Jesus said, "What I've said from the start. I have so many things to say that concern you, judgments to make that affect you, but if you don't accept the trustworthiness of the One who commanded my words and acts, none of it matters. That is who you are questioning—not me but the One who sent me."

27-29They still didn't get it, didn't realize that he was referring to the Father. So Jesus tried again. "When you raise up the Son of Man, then you will know who I am—that I'm not making this up, but speaking only what the Father taught me. The One who sent me stays with me. He doesn't abandon me. He sees how much joy I take in pleasing him."

30When he put it in these terms, many people decided to believe.

The Message (MSG)

My chocolate fortune.

Remind me again why I'm here.

I think I've gone to this point may times. But the college years are very confusing. At the point where you think that just maybe you've figured your life out, or atleast a direction, something changes that.

When I decided to go to school, for cosmetology, I was eager. But that was 8 months prior to actually being accepted. I think now, looking back, I should have just moved on. But curiosity got ahold of me. There were things that were far more interesting, one being studying aboard. The hardest part about turning down that opportunity was that I had dropped out of cosmetology school a couple weeks prior to the trip. It was frustrating. I think that was the moment I regretted ever going.

I think now I'm a bit more calm about the situation. Although I have $1,900 worth of loans to pay back for an education I didn't like, or enjoy. But that is the price you pay for going out on a limb.

Two years ago I attended an orientation or open house for a school in Ventura, CA. I was first approached by this school in what would have been my senior year in highschool (I had graduated the August before my senior year.)

I've often thought about why I didn't go. Was it the money? Was it the distance? Was it Nathan? But in the end it was a good decision for one reason: it was the wrong path. The program I was looking into was Visual Jounalism. The one type of photography that I'm shy about. It's the "there is an event grab your camera" kind of photography. Something you're born to do. I don't think that's my forte to be honest.

Brook's Institute of Photography has two campuses in California. Santa Barbara, and Ventura. Santa Barbara is primarily photography, while Ventura is a mixed media type of campus offering video, journalism, and design.

I was sitting next to my bookshelf, tossing papers, magazines, just random objects that possed no value. I came to my Brook's "booklet". It was basically a file folder with various course introductions. I looked through it with every intention of throwing it away. But as I glanced through the "Professional Photography" booklet, my heart skipped a beat.

I just sat there wondering why it seems so impossible.

Loneliest Day of the Week.

I've found that as I've gotten older, Sunday has become increasingly lonely. I still haven't figured out entirely why, but I can say I dread Sunday every week.

As a junior higher Sunday was my social day. It was the day that I spent with the youth group, at church, at lunch. The rest of the day was a relaxing day before the week started over again.

In highschool the pattern repeated, Sunday was the day I saw all of my friends. But when I moved Junior year, Sunday no longer possessed it's potential anymore. Going to other churches was really out of the question for me. I was 16, and pissed off.

When I moved back to Fresno, at 18, I continued going to church but Sunday's were not as they use to be. I often came home alone, and spent the afternoon alone while most of my friends went home to their families. Father and Mother's day were the worst. I always had to work the Monday after, so those days were full of me wishing I could skip forward a day or fly to where my parents were. The emotional annoyance of being 18 and not celebrating Mother and Father's day was something I never really expected.

When I started to pull out of church activities, Sunday's became very depressing. I felt judged, looked at, ignored, and forgotten all at once. Sunday became the day that made me sick, physically.

I've tried to take back Sunday's but even when I wake up I feel sad. The entire day I yearn for human contact, but often times it doesn't help. It's the day of shopping by yourself, no phone calls, no "facebook" comments or "myspace" messages. The day of canceled plans, goodbyes, fights, and the day before the week starts all over again. But sometimes, all I'm waiting for is the week to begin.

I feel loneliest on Sundays.

Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin' empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

Lord, have you forgotten me?
I been prayin to you faithfully
I should be thankful Lord you know I am
But Lord I hope you understand

I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder, Lord, send down the rain
But when you're plannin just how it will be
Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

You've been the king since the dawn of time
All that I'm askin is a little less crime
It might be hard for the devil to do
But it would be easy for you

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, Lord, I know I should
But Lord I hope this day is good

-Lee Ann Womack.

15 days.

Nathan leaves for London, England today, at 9am, 5/31 (PST). He arrives there at 7AM, 6/1 (England). He'll be gone for 15 days. Just keep him in your thoughts!